Disallusioned with Christendom

I am normally a rose colored glasses type of person...easily believing in the goodness and beauty of all that surrounds me yet the harsh winds of reality have given way to a pessimism that is not altogether unnecessary. I have grown up smack dab in the middle of the christian realm and have experienced much that has both blessed and encouraged me...yet as I have "arrived" at the 30 smothing adulthood phase of my life I have become quite disturbed by the baggage I have found and the actions that I see around me...my heart does not break but instead has seemingly begun to withdrawl and wither. I am so enbalmed in this culture I am not sure breaking free is an option...my husband is in seminary and seeking a pastorate at some point...yet how can I be a pastor's wife under these circumstances...

This is what I see around me...a play where everyone is eager to show off their talents and display a high level of diginity and intellect about their "walk" with God...where the expectations of perfection are high and one can never struggle with anything especially a chrisitian school teacher who should be an example to her students and the daughter of a camp director whom everyone knows and should be a good representation of her family by being involved in everythign and at every service and event. I see a lack of real communication and realness has been locked in to a vault and labeled Danger. You can't find anyone to talk about your struggles with wanting to have a baby because you must not be trusting God or even struggling with the church and christiandom...I am a backsliding sinner if I question the church. Was this what God intended...the marketed and televised church that keeps us at arms length with reality unless it is programed discipleship and mentoring or counseling? Should we as a members of a church feel like a deserted island stranded on the sea?

How am I to hope for the future? How am I to trust when all I see around me is the christian community so intent on judging each other and back stabbing or railing against the "higher sins" that all else seems clouded...and why do I want to be a part of it? And where do I go with these feelings...I dont' dare mention them for it would be heresy. Where is hope?