Lessons

Often times a moment that happens in the past becomes wrapped in beauty as it is shared in the future.  Today was one of those days for me.

We have been studying through the book Captivating by Staci Eldridge.  This weeks was all about God's love for us.  I have a hard time accepting this fully.  I know He loves me because He has to.  He's my heavenly father.  But, that he delights in me.  That he desires me.   Those are things I struggle with.

I was sharing with the girls a situation that happened to me with Jack and ended up in tears.  Not something I expected.  It was a normal, run of the mill story but somehow it changed into something redemptive.

Those who know Jack know his spirit.  He is one who hurls himself headlong into life.Though I love this about him it can at times lead to going his own way in the midst of instructions from authority.  It was one of those battles that lead to him being in time out for purposefully going his own way which was the opposite way that I instructed him to go.

Normally after getting out of time out I ask him why he was in there and we have a quick discussion on his choices.  For some reason, this time I chose to take him to another room and have a quiet talk with him.

I started by asking him to look at me.  He couldn't.  I asked over and over and he couldn't.  I held his face in my hands and looked him in the eyes and whispered to him, "I   Love   You."  At that moment, he melted.  His eyes filled with tears of brokenness and he fell into my arms and clung to me.  I whispered in his ear that I forgave him and it hurts me when he doesn't listen.  I walked away a little surprised by how he reacted but strangely moved.

As I came to the part where I held his eyes and spoke those words, I began to cry.  In that moment, I saw myself, not as the mom, but as the child.  I am avoiding God's eyes because of my shame.  I can't look at Him.  He holds my face, looks in my eyes, and whispers to my heart, "I love you."  I find such a release in his grace and forgiveness and sense Him holding me as I cry in his arms.

As much as I love my son, My Heavenly Father loves me so much more and he wants me to understand how he longs me to know that.

Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.  For you have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling." Psalm 116:7-8