Shame. The word emanates its meaning. It fills us, weighs us down, and destroys our hope. It is a virus that leaches onto our joy and transforms it into contempt. It lies to the deepest part of ourselves with words that ring with just a bit of truth. It carries the weight of a thousand guilts and the darkness of cold tomb. It belies our dreams and entwines our thoughts. It is out to destroy.
I have this malady. It has encompassed much of my life. In the recesses of my soul I hear it whisper as it slowly squeezes the breath from my joy. I was so familiar with it's voice that I did not recognize it for what it was, a lie.
Well, I have declared war. I have chosen to stand and fight. I will no longer sit silent, enslaved by what can only destroy me.
As I go to battle I begin to see how much it has entrenched itself in who I am. What grieves me most is when I discovered I was projecting that shame on the next generation, my beloved children.
This morning as my son struggled I spoke shame instead of grace. I sought to manipulate his behavior and bring him into this prison with me. I instinctively went to it. Moments after my heart broke. I saw what I had done and I grieved. I don't want him to live with those lies. I hope the chance to show him grace will redeem the shame I sought to pour on him.
It again shows me God's grace. It shows me how much he mourns for me as I live in the shame. It breaks his heart far more because He died to free me from it.
I am someone who has been molded and shaped through the many paths and places I have walked...I have seen little and much...I believe but struggle to have faith...I desire to know God but still at times run from him...I desire life but at times lack the bravery to chase after it...I am me but all that that entails is still a mystery.
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