Up in the middle of the night

So, it's four and I have been awake for about an hour and a half and have really tried to sleep but to no avail. I am not sure why all this is happening when my body desperately needs the sleep but I have learned to roll with the punches. So, I have felt like the past few days I have finally made a concerted effort to just mentally stop and grab on fiercly to some silence. I have desprately needed it as life has just been for the lack of a better word, endless. The kids are all ansy to be out of school and are working to push the boundaries on everything again...camp is gearing up and so I am now adding again secretary to my list of responsibilities...we are continuing to travel to Brewerton on the weekends to minister...Kevin has his final for Hebrew this week and is gearing up for a summer module...and I have been battling the uncertianty of whether I am pregnant (yes...I know there are ways to tell but though pregancy tests are supposed to be accurate...when all one has money for is the cheap ones and they are not realiable one questions it...especially when it says no and symptoms say yes)...and then there is the reality that if I am pregnant how does that paint the future differently and we will probably have to move. All of this came to overwhelm to the point of non-function and I finally ran to the silence I needed and have cried out for grace and realized how foolish I am to think I can carry any of this on my own...yes, I am an independent one...my husband constantly reminds me of this when I don't ask for his help when I need it...but I needed to admit that it was not to be that way with God. I need him and need to fight closing myself off to him and focusing on trying to juggle all of this myself...easier said than done but that is my goal for today.